Fiction.

The yawn wasn’t fully yawned when I realized how it didn’t make any god damned sense. I don’t typically yawn when a crazy beggar has a saw to the neck of a nicely-titted brunette, especially one with change machines for eyeballs. But I prefer to consider myself a stone cold pimp, so I figured it was just my cockiness itself getting cocky. I’d get to busting him in the nose and rescuing that fine piece of jailbait ass, just as soon as I took a leisurely look around. Fuck, I just felt so out of it.

But even Kaiser, who had grabbed ahold of the Grandma’s waitress’s elbow even though she was in no danger of floating away, seemed a bit dozy. He looked at me dumbly. I wondered again: how can a guy with such a moronic look in his eyes always seem to know who had sex with who?

“I can sense your powers.”

I couldn’t tell if the voice was inside my head or coming from every direction at once, but the psycho killer bum’s mouth moved, plus he appeared to be the craziest guy in audible range, so let’s just attribute that quote to him. It was creepy, but it perked me up a bit because it was also ridiculously lame. If we were facing any kind of delusional arch-bum with a fetish for super-villain speeches, we might as well kill ourselves if we can’t beat his ass bloody.

Making eye-contact with the sniffly brunette with the saw pressing to her neck, I winked in a reassuring sort of way. “Look, shitcock, take your hands off the jailbait, and I won’t punch you in the balls.” I stifled another yawn. Kaiser whispered something to the waitress.

The Arch-Bum continued. “You are weak and your powers are jokes. I’ve made you too tired to even move. All I need to do now is to saw through this girl’s pretty neck . . . ”

He pushed the saw roughly under Hot Rack’s chin and went to get a better grip on her hair. I just felt so tired, or maybe I would have stopped him. Pennies fell harder now, rolling against the ground.

The bum pushed hard, and the blade bit her skin. Then it flopped down onto a chest which was incidentally not insignificant, in terms of a shelf-like storage space. Flopped right down on there like it had been turned into aluminum foil.

It had been turned into aluminum foil.

A massive crashing noise came from across the park. We looked up to find a car literally inside the Mosque. Literally. Inside.

The Arch-Bum turned to look, distracted. Instantly feeling more alive, I opened my mouth to speak, but Kaiser beat me to it, punching the bum’s nose into his skull with the heel of his hand.

“How’s that for a power, asshole?” shouted Kaiser. Dammit, Kaiser, you already picked which girl you liked. You can’t rescue all of them.

“Yeah!” I spat at the bloody figure on the ground, grabbing Shelf-Tits by the hand and taking off west. “Come on, kids, time to split.”

Some cops drawn by the crash had started to pay attention to us. “That bum has donuts!” I shouted over my shoulder as we fled the scene.